Selzter

27 Mar 2010

Irn Bru. One of the few local soft drinks in the world that outsell Coca-Cola in its homeland. Also one of the few drinks in the world with more sugar in it than Coca-Cola. This all makes sense given its homeland is Scotland, the land that brought you tablet*

Unfortunately for me, my Scottish Grandma gave me a bit of a taste for Irn Bru. Well, I say unfortunate - I enjoy it very much and (to date) my teeth haven't melted into little enamelly pools, though it can only be a matter of time. My insides are probably bright orange, to the extent that should I be unlucky enough to become an organ donor it's going to seriously freak out the doctors performing the transplant.

"Nurse, is this a liver or a Butternut Squash?"

Of course, everyone says things like "have you any idea what colour that stuff is making your insides" as if the colour of the interior of your small intestine is something you should be overly concerned about. It isn't going to matter if it clashes with the deep scarlet of some other part of your body - if anyone's looking then you've got a lot more to worry about than colour coordination.

Irn Bru is a great hangover cure. It's the Alka-Seltzer of soft-drinks. Unfortunately this is lost on quite a few people for whom the thought of drinking it is akin to supping the bile extracted from the spleen of a living gerbil. After this amount of time drinking it though, it's mainly a cure for the state of not drinking Irn Bru. It's possible I have a big, fizzy orange problem. But I do still have teeth.

* possibly the least healthy thing in the entire universe. Up to and including nuclear waste.