Somebody

I recently changed my relationship status on Facebook. I would like to stress that the change had actually happened some time ago, but the modern world throws up all sorts of new and interesting social mores, in this case "when is it reasonable to change my status?". I left it private, viewable only to me, as I tend to view the public changes of others as irritating statements of smugness or pleas for sympathy (del as app).

Of course, the one entity you cannot keep this private from is the Facebook monster itself. It knows.  And within seconds of saving my edited profile, all the interesting (comparatively) things being offered in the advertising strip (506 of your friends like Beer! Like Beer too!) on the right hand side evaporated like mirages, to be replaced by an endless, and in some cases a tad disturbing, parade of dating and general "make women want you" ads.

You may have guessed the status by now. We'll move on.

Facebook's desperation to get me fitted up with somebody, anybody, is all very sweet, a bit like an over eager friend who's always trying to interest you in a blind date with their third cousin and doesn't understand that you're in no hurry and perfectly happy. And so there's a stream of perfectly non-threatening dating ads, offering a chance to "Date Attractive Ladies" (surely the equivalent of shouting "play good football!" at the telly during England's euro 2012 campaign), or "Boyfriend wanted" over a picture of a woman whose head is twisted so unnaturally she looks like a reanimated car crash victim with nice make up. All fine, in a take it or leave it sort of way.

Except that it seems that Facebook is also that slightly sleazy friend of a friend down the pub who reckons he's one for the ladies and knows all the tricks you could possibly want to know on 'getting birds', normally involving treating 'em mean or monitoring their menstrual cycle.

My worries were first alerted by:

"3, stealthy, ninja sexual triggers to turn women on. TRY NOW!"

Ninja sexual trigger? What the hell is that? Does it involve using your cock as an impromptu nun-chuck?

Then it gets worse. Grammatically, as well as ethically:

"The covert and dangerous tricks to make any woman wants you, FAST!"

Glossing over the peculiar slippage into the present tense, it seems as though Facebook is allowing an ad for rohypnol. Date rape drugs - covert? Yes! Dangerous? Certainly! Do they make any woman wants you fast? No, not really, but they do make it irrelevant! (insert capital letters or multiple exclamation marks where you will).

Compared to that, the "Secret psychology that makes hot women want to sleep with you fast" looks like children's literature. This could be anything. It could be wholesome, like adopting a positive attitude (not very secret), or ever so slightly less so, like breaking into their house/PC to read their letters/emails in order to find out what their emotional triggers are and then exploiting them by reducing them to a psychological wreck that will cling to anyone or anything to feel secure again in this malevolent world.

That sort of thing.

I don't know for certain, because there's no way in a million years that I'm clicking on that link. I dread to think what I might find there if their ads are this weird. But I do know that the advertisers are clearly aware that they're up to no good, because their final offering is this:

"Covert methods for attracting women that dating experts want BANNED!"

What, exactly, is a dating expert? Can you get a degree in dating? Are there perhaps dating guidance counsellors ready to advise newly-met potential couples who feel that their initial "activity-date" at the Laser Tag centre didn't go quite as well as they'd hoped? Whoever they are, thank God that they're out there, looking after us like Swamp Thing looked out for Lacroix, Louisiana.

God bless you, Dating Experts. Are you , y'know, free this evening?