Rescue

My girlfriend had a strange dream last night.

That is not, in itself, newsworthy. My girlfriend has some of the strangest dreams I've ever heard, which she can recall with alarming clarity. This particularly one involved a cat getting stuck in some quicksand. Apparently, after some distress and trying to rescue it, the cat sank completely, only to appear a few minutes later in another location completely unharmed.

I think this dream has meaning. Well, I don't really, but I mean I can pretend that it does and twist it to make a point, like all dream 'experts'. And it's this. Animals can look after themselves. If I hear of another drowned human who jumped into a freezing lake to save a dog which subsequently got out, I'll scream. The dog is laughing at you. It's dog murder. They discuss it in advance, and afterwards they go and howl about it down the dog pub. A dog who tricks his owner into dying a cold and watery death gets a lot of kudos and even more bitches. Don't fall for their big eyed adoration look, it's all a sham. They'll have you in the deep freeze before you can throw a stick.

I'm not saying cats have got it in for you in the same way, it's just they'd eat your face if they could get away with it. Just sayin'.

Consensus

Very hard not to write an entry that belongs more in Speedy Rants than this. The word "consensus" is becoming a bit of a pejorative word since it has become a way of representing horrible ideas and abandoning principle on the basis of doing what everyone wants. This seems to result in doing things that no one wants but no one quite knows who to blame anymore.

Once you've got the word "consensus" into your head as a rather grim one that involves people grudgingly accepting compromise rather than gleefully participating its use in relation to sex suddenly becomes oddly depressing. "Consenting Adults" goes from a phrase representing mutual trust leading to the abandonment of physical inhibitions and the pursuit of ecstasy, to "oh all right, suck it if you must but hurry up, Nick Clegg's on Question Time in a minute."

Menu

Ah, falling further behind....

A menu for a vegetarian is an odd beast. It is not (generally) an array of options, but rather a puzzle, a bit of mental stimulation that lies between you and digestive happiness. The Find the Vegetarian Meal replaces the no doubt far more tricky but enjoyable "what do I feel like eating" experience that most diners get.

There's almost certain to be a starter with Goat's Cheese in it. However, this may not actually be marked with a "V", leaving you in a state of uncertainty as to exactly how the Goat's Cheese was made. So you may just have to have some sort of spinach and pastry composition on the basis that if either of those things have dead animal you've probably accidentally wandered into Sweeney Todd's Delicatessen.

For the mains I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you will probably be offered Risotto. In all likelihood mushroom, though in these enlightened times you might be offered Butternut Squash. Things have come a long way since you were given mushrooms with melted cheese on them, and lightly flayed by the Chef and your skin served to the Duke of Cambridge as a dessert if you complained.

All of which makes vegetarian restaurants a complete nightmare. I have lost (or never developed) all the necessary skills of actually making a proper choice from a menu. It's horrible, and makes me want to hide in a corner with a pillow over my head gently murmuring a nursery rhyme about cats. Too much choice! Bring me a salad. And maybe a pastry with spinach. It's fine, really. Now go away.