Decay

There's definitely something going on with my teeth. They've come over all sensitive after a lifetime of being fine, like a 35 year old ballet-dancer suddenly thinking "shit, you can basically see my cock in this outfit! Get me some trousers!"

It's most disconcerting.

Of course, my 2 bottles of Irn Bru-a-day habit probably isn't really making positive contribution to my dental health, so it was always a matter of time. It's a miracle that I have anything sticking out of my gums other than blackened stumps. Maybe I should just think "stuff it" and have them all removed. After all, they're all going to fall out in the end anyway (unless I'm beaten to death by members of the Bullingdon Club on a day trip to Cambridge, thus sparing me the pain of ageing). At least I wouldn't have to chew anything anymore. I could have all my hair lasered out to get used to being bald husk, and have tiny brown spots tattooed all over my hands. Genius. Age will hold no fears.

But what to do about my decent skin? I could spend hours a week deliberately exposing myself to harmful radiation in order to accelerate the decay of my skin cells. I hear it has the unfortunate side effect of making you look - very briefly - healthy and good looking, but don't worry, that wears off pretty fucking quickly.