Torture

15 May 2010

I can't do it. I should talk about British complicity in torture in war zones, or the new Government's admirable commitment not to deport those who may face torture in their home countries. I should talk about how I hope the LibCon coalition will live up to their responsibilities as a self-professed reforming liberal Government and end all UK involvement with the Big T.

But it's been a long week, and I've been on the receiving end of some violence, so I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I've been hit in the face by cricket balls preceisely twice in my life. Unfortunately, both those times have been in the past fortnight. I don't know what I did to the cricketing gods, but clearly Stumpy, the Cricketing God of Disfigurement, or Bodyline, the Cricketing God of Violence have been at work manipulating things so that I have my own, mild version of torture.

It's creating a bit of a stir at work. There is general consensus that I've been having a punch up, perhaps with Liberal Conservatives. This is a fair enough assumptions since I spent the lection period ranting fanatically about the evils of Tories and then come to work covered with unsightly abrasions and swellings, like someone performing "The Elephant Man Meets Raging Bull" or something. People shuffle away from me on the street - even more swiftly than they usually do. I'm having to dress quite smartly to avoid being denied access to shops by security guards worried that I'm only there to thieve and support my crack habit. The second blow was on the forehead right between the eyes. My brow swelled up so much I looked like one of the vampires from Buffy - one that clearly wasn't important enough a character to ever get to take their makeup off.

Just to cheer me up, my cricketing friends have taken to pointing out that "these things come in threes". It's not my face I'm worried about (well, it *is*, but...), it's just that if I get hit again my dignity will be gone from the cricket field forever and I won't hear the end of it. That would be tortuous, if not actual torture.