I haven't watched many adverts lately.
Now, this isn't one of those North London “I don't watch TV anymore” rants. It's true that I don't come home and turn on the TV the way I used to – but that's not a boast, since what I do is come home and log into Facebook, which is just as much of a soul sucker as the goggle box ever was. But any TV I do watch was probably recorded on Sky+, or was bought on DVD, or is a BBC programme anyway.
Or – and this is important – it was between overs on the cricket and completely failed to register on my brain.
I've been watching cricket on Sky for a few years now, and two things bother me:
Why do I have to watch adverts on a subscriptions channel?
Do the advertisers realise that no one takes any notice of the adverts anyway?
It's not that I don't appreciate the chance to learn more about stair-lifts (and the physical decay of June Whitfield), Skodas and “no win no fee” lawyers, it's just that this particular line-up smacks of desperation and is admitting that no one is watching. So if they're only on because no-one watching, I'd like to hook my skateboard onto the back of this particular self-fulfilling prophecy and ride it round the block.
As for adverts on subscription TV? They're the equivalent of brightly coloured advertising on “Black” Cabs, a recent phenomenon that is starting to have unintended consequences (like everything else). I recently observed a cab pull up at the side of Bedford Square to pick up pre-booked fare. The woman, of advanced middle-age years, appeared at the office door and made it several steps towards the road before she froze. The taxi driver was standing holding the passenger door open with an eager, helpful smile. But she didn't move.
“I'm not getting in that!” she declared, indicating the cab.
The Cabbie looked with surprise at his pride and joy. “What's wrong with it? It's just been MOT'd. Safe as houses.”
“I am not,” she repeated firmly. “Getting in anything that looks like that.”
The Cabbie was forced to take another look. After much discussion, he got back in his cab and drove away, hopefully on the blower to one of his colleagues to arrange alternative transport for his awkward customer.
And why was she awkward? His cab was entirely covered with the pouting visages of “Spearmint Rhino” girls, and the woman had understandably taken a stance of either ethics or comfort (possibly both) and decided she'd rather travel with someone else. It's all very well spotting some available advertising real estate, but if it interferes with your core business it's really not worth it. I might as well include an ad that reads
halfway through the blog (besides, you know it's true).
So I haven't seen any adverts lately. Except on the sides of buses, where they seem to either advertise a) God or b) movies that came and went six months ago.
To be fair they sometimes advertise a lack of God, but popular atheism seems to have come and gone some months ago as well. Nearly time for the hastily arranged sequel, like some sort of Theological variant on the Moonlight saga (Look! Atheism sparkles in full sunlight!). I think they should include a photo and quote of Alan Davies as the Face of Atheism 2010, since I'd like to see whether Church attendances actually rise.
Perhaps the slightly disconcerting habit of advertising deities on the omnibus is part of a subtle TfL plan to reduce crime. There must – somewhere – be some statistics to show whether there are quite as many stabbings, assaults, bouts of projectile vomiting and acts of exposure on buses that have the word “Jesus” written on the outside. I think we should be told.
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