Hammer

Feb 17 2010

When Ewan MacGregor recites his famous speech at the start of Trainspotting that ends with “You DIY you DIE” or something, it feels as if he might have seen my few and embarrassing efforts at fixing 'stuff'. That's not even a colloquialism, since I have no idea what sort of things I might have tried to fix over the years, so I might as well call it “stuff”, in the same way that Cheryl Cole's grasp of music means we might as well call her songs “turds”.

Said the Girls Aloud fan. Ahem.

There may be a link between my clumsy efforts to wire plugs and hang pictures and my chronic inability to progress at learning French. An odd connection, but they are both routed in the utter fear of getting it slightly wrong in practice. Admittedly with DIY I might accidentally hit a hidden wire with a nail, shut down the entire electricity grid for miles around, blow up my computer and – last but not least – send thousands of volts through my body until I become so crispy and charred I resemble the average English tourist on holiday in Spain.

Whereas language failure would most likely result in a sardonic Parisian slightly raising an eyebrow and then laughing about it later with his mistress. Frankly I'm not sure why I'm worrying.

But of course if you are as incredibly sensitive and uptight as I am, that raised eyebrow is a bit like someone shoving a power cable up your bum and flicking the switch. I can remember the words, I even have half an idea what order to put them in, but there's no way I'm going to use them in case I accidentally ask for directions to my own teeth or call someone a margarine tub. It could happen.

Which is odd, because surely the potential for embarrassment in posting this blog is higher? Humans, ever irrational. I'll keep hammering away at this keyboard and try not to fry.